Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD effects about 3% of the population however, if you have a Narcissist in your life you know that they can seem to effect every area of your life. They can be your boss, your sister, your boyfriend/girlfriend and frequently one or both parents and they can make your life miserable. Let’s look at how and why.
They have no sense of empathy Meaning they do not feel things the way you do. They don’t feel bad for hurting your feelings, feel a sense of remorse, obligation, responsibility or the sense of connection to the world the way everyone else does.
They get pleasure from the attention of you trying to appease their anger, make them happy and make they proud of you.. They enjoy watching you squirm and feel bad when you can’t.
AND! You can’t make them happy; they don’t want you to because they enjoy the GAME and attention of watching you try. Remember they don’t feel empathy or genuine remorse for their actions.
Masters of manipulation: They have the amazing ability to sum up what your hot buttons are very quickly and use them to try and make you do what they want you to do. To guilt you into things.
Masters of deflection: They dodge responsibility for their actions like water off a duck’s back. Their favorite words to use when you confront them are “that’s not what happened” and my personal favorite “You’re crazy that’s all in your head, you need to talk to someone about your…(jealousy, anger or delusion) issues.
Masters of triangulation: They use sibling rivalry, comparison to exes, comparison to other people and even how great their mom’s skills were to try and make you feel bad and insecure so they can manipulate you.
The cycle of a Narcissistic romantic relationship:
Love Bombing: “I have never felt this way before” “You are the greatest person I have ever known” “I am so in love with you”.
All of this said WAY to soon in the relationship, like in the first week usually followed with a declaration that they want to go exclusive and/or move in together. Pump the breaks! This is a warning sign not a sign that he is “The one”.
Devaluing: “you would be so much prettier if you would…(lose weight-yuk!), Dye your hair, go to college, or whatever) “you think you are so…but you are not”.
“But wait where did that nice guy go? And what can I do differently to get them back? Maybe I really need to lose some weight (No! you are perfect).
Hovering: After you have said “Ba-Bye” or they have rejected you in some humiliating way then starts love bombing you all over again. “I’m so sorry I will never do anything like that again…” “But it was kind of your fault too because you never lost those 10 pounds” Double yuck!!
You are sucked back in for what I call the “Rinse and repeat” phase.
Does any of that sound familiar? I really hope not.
Bummer, I divorced that person and or my mother/father or both are one what do I do?
I hate to say this, but you cannot win any game you play with them so it’s time to consider having as limited contact as possible with them. There is no law that says you have to see them at holidays, just say “No” or “I’m busy” in as few words as possible and leave it at that.
But Jill why don’t I just confront them?
Didn’t I just say they are the masters at not taking responsibility for things? Any “confronting” conversation you have will end with you feeling like you are “crazy, making things up and delusional” while they continue to manipulate you and make you feel bad… Just say “No” and move on.
But Jill now I need a lot more information!!
Same advice I gave last time, it’s time to google NPD, buy a few books on Amazon and watch a few episodes on the “Surviving Narcissism” channel on you- tube.
In relationship no matter if its parent/child, romantic partner, a coworker or friend when it comes to a narcissist it will always only ever be about them AND there is nothing you will ever be able to do to change that no matter how hard you try.
And know this, if you get hooked up with one of these master manipulators it’s because you are a good kind, loving person who tends to see the best in others. This is not a bad thing but at times it makes you vulnerable to people who are not that way. Love yourself enough to kick those people out of your life.
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