I recently had a sixteen year old boy come into my office for self-esteem issues, not terribly unusual. But what was unusual was his very insightful observation of how his previous efforts to fix this issue hadn’t worked.
“I am here because I recently lost a lot of weight, but it didn’t give me what I wanted. You see, I thought that if I lost all the weight, I would gain confidence and self-esteem, but that’s not what happened at all. In fact, I probably feel less confident than I did before.” I asked him why he felt less confident. “It’s hard to explain, but I feel like I’m not me anymore. Being a “big boy” was kind of part of who I was. It was my thing, especially on the football team, and now that I am not, it’s hard to know how I fit in. People treat me differently, and I am not sure I like it. Some people don’t seem to know how to treat me at all since the fat jokes don’t work anymore, so they avoid me. I admit I feel a bit lonely and out of place.”
I had never had someone more perfectly describe a very common issue with people who lose weight without the help of a counselor to work on the emotional part. But in his case, what was unusual was that he was actually able to see for himself how the change made him feel, and he perfectly describes one of the reasons why I think so many people lose significant amounts of weight and gain it back so quickly.
To some extent, being overweight becomes a big part of their identity, and when that’s gone, there is a need to adjust and redefine who they are. This is especially hard for teenagers because losing weight also changes who they are in the group. If it’s a girl, she is no longer the fat supportive friend. She might now be seen as competition for boys. If it’s a boy, they might no longer be seen as the funny fat friend, and again, might be seen as competition.
This is just as true for adults as it is for teens. When a person goes though a major change like losing a lot of weight, their whole lives change. While they might think those changes will be welcome and positive, change (even very good change) can be difficult because it causes them to make major adjustments and in the case of weight loss, it may be adjusting how they view themselves and their place in the world.
In session we worked on improving his confidence, and I also helped him see himself as the healthiest version of his body, not defined by his weight but by who he is. We also worked on updating the inner picture he has of himself so that he starts to reprogram the unconscious mind to say, “This is what I look like now. Let’s keep it that way.” The new version needs to feel more comfortable and familiar than the old version for him to have any chance of staying at this new, healthy weight.
Losing weight will not make you confident. You have to do that work on your own, but getting healthy will change your life in more ways than you can imagine, and often we are not prepared for just how much.
Jill Thomas CHT
Soul Connect Hypnotherapy
760-803-2841
www.soulconnecthypnotherapy.com
http://www.facebook.com/healthyhabitshypnosis
Author of the book “Feed Your Real Hunger” For more information and free hypnosis meditations visit www.soulconnecthypnotherapy.com